How to be a happy single woman in 2019_ the definitive guide

This is not dating / relationship advice.

This post is built to help you learn how to feel happy as a single woman. Or man. Just titled this article with “woman” for SEO purposes. Lol. Men, read on.

Here’s why I’m qualified to talk about this.


I’ve had my share of relationships. But even when I was single, I was never single with the intention of being single.


What I mean is, I always had someone I was interested in or at the very least was always texting someone. 


I found it hard to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that I didn’t like the feeling of being single.


Then I had a turning point. Here’s how to get to your very own turning point. 




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1. Give yourself time between partners


I can’t stress enough how crucial it is to do this step right.


If you immediately start looking for another person, you’re telling yourself that you can’t be alone. 


That’s literally the conversation you’re having with yourself.


What I did, AND I’M SO GLAD I DID IT, was say to myself: “OK this feels really uncomfortable. I acknowledge that. But ride it out girl.” 


Like, I literally said that to myself.


I approached it from a level of curiosity. 


Do that too. 


Ask yourself, “What does it feel like to be single after the sting of a breakup?”


So here’s what not to do during the healing time. (Or to do in moderation, whatever you trust yourself with.)

  • No texting/dating/calling

  • Don’t do things with the motivation of finding another partner (dating apps, going to clubs etc.) And be honest with yourself. Acknowledge it if you’re going to a party simply to find a suitor. 

  • Avoid sex / intimacy (but I encourage to be intimate with yourself so you know that you can fill that need self-sufficiently)

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2. Do unto yourself as your boy/girlfriend would have you


People. 👏 Don’t. Talk. 👏 About. 👏 This. 👏 Enough. 👏

I had a turning point.


I was on a run and I had 10 minutes left. I thought to myself. Geez, I would love to see a movie. 

So I ended my run at a 40’s built movie theatre I had been dying to go to. 

And by the time the movie was 3/4 of the way done, I felt tired.


So what did I do?


I stepped out, hailed a cab, got my ass home and felt amazing.


Had I been with a partner I probably wouldn’t have been able to call the shots like that. He/she would have probably wanted to stay for the whole movie, or at least change clothes after the run.

But I got home and I had those butterflies I normally get after a date.

Because I had gone on a date with myself.


So corny but this attitude literally changed my life.

I do things for myself that I would want a partner to do for me. 

Here’s examples of the things I would love a partner to do for me:

  • Make my lunch

  • Take me on nice dinners

  • Clean the house

  • Provide financial security

  • Talk nice to me (tell me I’m smart, call me cute)

And I do all of that for myself. 

OK, now I want you to take this anecdote and apply it to yourself.

The first thing I want you to do after you read this post, is make a list of all the things that you like when a partner does, and see how much of that you can do in the future or already do. 

How would you feel if your boy/girlfriend encouraged you to wear a seatbelt when you drive?

Well taken care of probably. 


Allow yourself to acknowledge how good it feels when you treat yourself well, the same way it would feel if someone else were doing it for you.






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3. Find your thing and do it.


Maybe you have something you’re already passionate about. 

If not, explore to find it. That might even take months, but once you have a hobby and passion, what you really have is an elevated sense of self worth. 


For me, as soon as I found blogging, my self-respect skyrocketed because of all the things that blogging brought me (bravery to be vulnerable, a creative outlet etc.)


Developing yourself as a person with interests, especially ones that connect you with other people is important in building a healthy relationship with yourself. 


Which leads me to my next point.







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4. Surprise…

If you’ve noticed, every single point has one thing in common.

They all have to do with your relationship with yourself. (If you want to read more on how to love yourself stay tuned for that article to come up by following me on Instagram at beautmilk_ here


This has nothing to do with your relationship with anyone else. 



The relationship you have with others is almost like a mirage.


Even better, relationships with others are just mirrors of the relationships with ourselves.


I definitely don’t want to get to technical in this post, because if you’re starting on this journey, I want this information to be easily digestible.

But the point I’m trying to make is focusing on the relationship with others while you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself is the same thing as…

  • Cutting a tree’s wilted leaves when all it needs is water

  • Treating the pain from a fever instead of treating what’s causing the illness

  • Telling a kid it’s not OK to cry instead of asking why he’s crying


They’re all bandaid solutions. 



Get to the root of the issue.


So…how long will this take? 


I have some unsettling news for those of us (myself included), that live in a generation where when we want something we have it in our hands before we’ve even asked for it. Instant gratification.

Learning to be single is kind of the same thing as working out. Nobody can do it for you, and it takes time.

Sorry.


But it’s true.


So how long will it take?


Everyone’s journey is different. 


But I can tell you how long it will not take.

You will not wake up next week and feel enlightened. 


No, this is not that kind of a thing.



For me personally, once I started to actually surrender to thoughts and feelings I’d been rejecting heavily for the better part of my life, I started feeling secure single within about 5 months.


So was the journey 5 months?



Absolutely not.



It was 25 years, my whole life if you think about it. 



I had to get dumped by my English boyfriend (read my poetry of how that shit went down here), and then really start to flourish after. Being dumped just happened to be one of my lessons to lead me to this space, but there is no ONE thing that will take you there.


What does it feel like to be happy and single?





OK here’s exactly how it feels like in 1 sentence.


Partner: nice to have, but don’t need.



*drops mic*


I was hooking up with this guy and the moment I felt I wasn’t into it I was able to be like, “OK this isn’t working. You’re great but you’re not for me”. 


LITERALLY the moment.


It was the best gift I could give him and myself.



I wasn’t stringing him along because I was scared of what it would feel like to be alone.



I know what it feels like to be alone, and it’s damn magical.



And for me, I respected that move because I wasn’t staying in a relationship to be comfy, at the expense of someone’s feelings who really liked me.


And that’s the magic.


When you like being single, you’re in a relationship for the right reasons, not because you’re scared of being alone.


And when you’re in a relationship for the right reasons, you’re one step closer to finding the one.



So this is all abstract, and until you actually go out and do the things mentioned here, it might be hard to relate. 



But if you start doing these things and they WORK, let me know in the comments below. 

If you have your own set of things that work and you want to share, leave them down below so we can learn from you. 

I would love to hear about your journey and I will personally get back to you.



Xx,

 
 

Michelle Bali

 

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